When Reality Hits

I think everyone has two worlds they live in. Their positive world and their negative world. The plus and the minus. The good and the bad. I think the two worlds come together very often, and sometimes you walk a bridge between the two; your "I don't know" bridge.

I found out I was pregnant on January 4, 2014. What a way to start the new year, right? We were so excited. My husband and I both had a dream, the same night, that we were pregnant, before we even found out... so finding out was even more exciting.

I had taken, in total, 9 tests. The lines started out very faint... VERY faint. Sometimes I thought I was just messing with myself. Then slowly, they started showing up stronger and stronger, until I got that BFP (the Big Fat Plus). When I got the BFP, we were so excited. We finally told our friends and family (that was at 6 weeks). Definitely earlier than most people like to announce it, but I already had two extremely successful pregnancies and very healthy babies... I figured there was no reason to wait... we were getting our tie-breaker! So exciting!!

We made a big announcement by posting a video of a conversation I had with my son, the oldest, almost 4 years old. He has been pestering me for the last 6-9 months for a little brother, so I took video of me telling him I was going to have another baby. He was elated, and funny, and my facebook page erupted with congratulatory comments and well wishes. It was fantastic.

I lined up a meeting with a midwife, an amazing woman named Lisa Marie with Sacred Journeys Midwifery. I texted with her, she came over to meet me and my family, we talked about babies and birth, and my husband and I decided (long ago) a home water birth is what we wanted to do for this baby. It seemed perfect because of our history, and our midwife specializes in home water births. Score!

Superbowl Sunday came and we went to my husband's parent's house to watch the game... Go Seahawks!

I started spotting there.

That's when I stepped on the bridge...

I knew something was wrong. It was only a tiny bit, but I knew something was wrong.

...one more step...

I told my husband. I texted my midwife. She assured me it would be okay and to watch it.

We went home, nothing else. I was good all day on Monday with no spotting at all. I thought I was messing with myself again, but my conscience kept telling me it wasn't okay.

Monday night I spotted again.

Tuesday night I spotted again.

Wednesday and Thursday, more, and it was different. It was gray-ish.

Another few steps across the bridge...

On Thursday I texted my midwife and she had me come meet her for an impromptu check with a doppler. It was going to be a reach, because I was only 9 weeks, and most doctors and midwives check around 12 weeks for the heartbeat via doppler.

She didn't hear anything, but assured me not to worry. She scheduled an ultrasound for me the following evening at 5.

I knew it wasn't ok.

But I let myself carry hope, of course.

Of course I held onto the little piece of my happy, hopeful, positive world.

Friday, my husband came home from work so he could drive me to the ultrasound and stay with the kids while I went in.

When we got there, he reminded me something he's been telling me forever, but something he'd been telling me every day for the last 5 days.

He said, "I love you no matter what."

I was standing in the middle of my bridge. I wanted so badly to run to the positive side, but I just didn't know. I knew, but I couldn't admit it. I didn't know. I didn't want to hear someone say what my conscience was telling me.

I went in for the ultrasound, and the tech was super nice. She introduced herself, talked with me about how far along I was.

She started the scan, and asked me how I figured out how far along I was... I told her based on my LMP (Last Menstrual Period).

I was supposed to be 9 weeks and 2 days.

She told me I was measuring 4 weeks and 3 days.

My heart sank, but I sat strong.

She said that meant one of two things.

1) I was actually only 4 weeks and 3 days, or
2) The baby stopped growing at 4 weeks and 3 days.

She showed me the ultrasound, and there was no baby in there.

She didn't tell me I wasn't pregnant, but she didn't have to. I've been pregnant twice. I know my body. I know what ultrasounds look like. And like I said before, I knew.

She confirmed my conscience, I thanked her, and I left.

As soon as I left the office, I thought about my husband. I thought about how happy he was when I told him I was pregnant. I thought about how much he wanted a baby. I knew how I felt and how much I wanted the baby, of course, but him... He is my whole life, and I had to break his heart.

My eyes started welling up as I went down the elevator.

Floor 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

I walked out of the medical building and to the parking structure he was in, waiting for my return.

I started crying.

I had to walk up three flights of stairs (we parked in the wrong structure)... each step was another tear, another sob, another hiccup breath in. I was that much closer to breaking his heart.

I got to the aisle we parked in, and I saw the back of our car.

I started sobbing.

He saw me in the rear view mirror and jumped out of the car.

Of course he knew.

He ran with me across the bridge and we landed together on the other side, just as the entire bridge collapsed behind us.

I was sobbing. I said I am so sorry. I couldn't breathe. He was holding me as tight as he could. just holding me and hugging me. He told me not to say anything, just cry, and it would be okay. He kept reassuring me he loves me. I kept crying and apologizing and telling him I love him.

We got in the car and our son asked us why Mommy was crying.

I told him.

I said, "remember how Mommy had a baby in her belly? Well Mommy was wrong, I'm sorry... there isn't a baby in my belly."

He said, "WHAT? WHY? What did the doctor do to you? Why don't you have a baby in your belly anymore? Are you okay?"

My husband started crying. I started crying again.

I said, "Honey, I'm so sorry. I thought I had a baby in my belly, but I don't. I'm so sorry. I love you."

He said, "It's okay Mommy, I love you too, so much, so so much. It's okay, and I think you'll be okay. I love you Mommy."

After that, I told my family, then close friends, then extended family, and everyone else.

I really appreciate everyone giving us words of love, hope, and encouragement during this time. All of your comments, messages, texts, and calls mean so much to me, to us, and I truly love you all. Thank you so much.

Our worlds are connected with bridges.

That last bridge collapsed behind us, but I know we'll find another bridge back. It's just when reality hits.