The New Me

I want to start this by saying there will be some graphic descriptions of my miscarriage below.

Please use discretion while reading, and take this as a trigger warning for miscarriage.

Thank you.

Hi there! My name is Melody. I am happily married to the most wonderful man, and I have two adorable children, a boy and a girl. I have two dogs, and two cats. We own our home, and I am a stay-at-home-mommy for my babies. From the outside, my life is just perfect.

12 months ago, my world was rocked and my life changed forever.

On Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2014, at 2:30am, I woke up to labor pains. I could feel my uterus contract every few minutes. After already having two children, I knew what contractions felt like. I was laboring in my back as well. I figured the safest place for me to be was in the bathroom. I sat on the toilet. Watered down blood gushed out of me with every contraction. After about 30 minutes or so, I essentially gave birth. 

Everything I could get my hands on said that a fetus at that gestational age, if naturally miscarried, would come out in pieces, and would be unrecognizable to the eye. There wouldn't be "body parts" it would just look like thick uterine lining. I even looked up images to see if I could find anything to prepare myself for the inevitable. Nothing prepared me. Nothing.

My baby came out whole. I was able to pull it out of me. It was a baby. It was tiny. It was about an inch and a half long, and it fit in the palm of my hand. I worked hard to stand up and go to the sink. I carefully cleaned my baby off. In my heart of hearts, I knew it was a girl. I was able to put her hand on the tip of my pinky finger. I cried the quietest, biggest, wettest, hottest tears I've ever cried. My head was pounding, I was weak (yet still able to lean on the sink), and I couldn't fathom the why.

There likely was a medical reason for whatever happened... my hormone levels may have been off. My body was not fit to grow another life. The baby may not have attached properly. There could be any number of reasons as to why I had a miscarriage, but none of them help me feel better. I already had two very successful pregnancies, why not this one? Why?

After about 30 more minutes, I carefully put the baby on some toilet paper, gently wrapped her up, slid her in the water, and sadly, flushed the baby down the toilet.

It broke my heart. It changed me.

For the last 12 months, I've been struggling with seemingly insurmountable depression, while still needing to be the steady and constant mommy for my little ones. While still wanting to be the wife and friend I've always been. While still wishing I could be me, the me I knew, the me I always had been.

The me I always had been isn't the me I am now.

This is the new me.

The last 12 months have shaped my life, not for the better or worst. I'm still me, I'm just in a different place. I have had experiences that have changed my life. It's still my life, I still want it, and I love it.

Yes, I had a miscarriage. But I've also helped my husband rescue an adorable 7 week old kitten from our engine! My husband and I got to spend our anniversary in Beverly Hills! We took an incredible weekend trip to Palm Springs! We got to sit just a few feet away from Paul McCartney while he performed for the first time at the Dodgers Stadium in LA in 48 years. We saw the most amazing orchestral performance of Danny Elfman's Music from the Films of Tim Burton, which included Danny Elfman singing his songs from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Our son is going to be starting Kindergarten in just a few months, and my daughter was in an editorial photo shoot. We visited family in Michigan for the first time in our entire marriage! I've made so many new friends and have developed so many wonderful relationships. 

I can't dwell on the bad times, because there were so many incredible times.

The miscarriage was a terrible, horrible experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It put me in a club no one wants to be a part of. But I've done so many fantastic things with the people that I love...

Who knows what the next 12 months have in store for the new me?

My Heart's In Overdrive

There are a lot of things in the world that make me crazy. A lot of things that stress me out. A lot of things that make me feel like if they happen one more time I'm seriously going to explode or freak out or turn into Katie Kaboom or I don't know, just lose it. Whatever 'it' is, it will be lost.

I'm a mom of two kids not yet in school. My house is always a mess. My kitchen is tiny and I rarely get to cook. No matter how much laundry I do, there's always more. My dog sheds so much, I don't know how she still has fur. The only quiet time I get is after 11pm, after starting the day at 6:30am. I almost always have a headache. Something is always happening. Always.

My life is a roller coaster. Sometimes I'm giggling at the adrenaline rush, sometimes I'm screaming at the loops, it twists, it turns, I hold my breath and wait for it to drop again, going a million miles an hour, I just throw my hands up and go with it. It's fun, it's scary, and it's crazy. There are moments that rush you, and moments that take your breath away.

In all of this crazy I have going on constantly, there's one thing that makes my life just stand still for a second. It feels like those pictures where everything is moving except for one thing standing perfectly still... It's the one thing that makes me stop and shhh and wait. It pulls the stress away, it makes me breathe, it makes me calm. Except the thing isn't a "thing," and it isn't an "it." The one is my husband. My best friend. My world.

He is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

When I met him, he was the 4th person I had been tossed to that day. We were at work, customer service for Arbonne International. It was my first day on the job with actual real-life training, but every person before hadn't been on the right time schedule, so they kept moving me around. I remember seeing him that morning and thinking he was kinda cute, but by the time I got to him, I was annoyed, snarky, and sarcastic. He was still cute, and also shy and sweet. He smelled like cigarettes and cologne, he wore clothes that were too big for him, and he had slicked back hair that sometimes fell in his eyes. He was calm and talked low, and he was so kind to the little old ladies on the phone... I can't tell you how many of them wanted to introduce their granddaughters to him.

I said something once that made him laugh... oh that laugh. That smile. The way he covered his mouth and leaned in to the laugh, holding his stomach... his eyes sparkled. It was the greatest thing I'd ever seen, and it hit me hard. I knew, even if "nothing happened," we'd always be a part of each other's lives.

After a couple days of training, early morning start times, smoke breaks (he would smoke, I just pretended), lunch hours, and overtime, I got my own desk and computer. He was down the aisle one over from me, and I had to look way over my shoulder to see him. I missed him already. I didn't know how he felt, but I'd pretty much fallen for him. I didn't know what to do, so I sent him an email. One line. No subject.

"You know you miss me :)"

I heard his quiet laugh right after I sent it, and I looked over my shoulder to see him looking up at me smiling...

We were married 3 months later, July 8, 2006.

We've struggled together, survived together, had fun together, and have grown up together. We have experienced loss and life. Friends have come and gone. Babies, pets, jobs, cars, and living situations.

For the last 8 years, this man has been making me laugh with his one liners, cry over his sincerity, fight with heart, and love with every ounce of my being. With just one look, one smile, one hug, one kiss, him holding my hand, just being with me... everything that could ever stress me out or make me crazy just melts away.

I sooooooooooo love my husband, you guys. I love him more than Dr. Pepper, Classic Barbies, photography, and coffee ice cream. I love him more than sandwiches and Disneyland and the Wedge. I love him more than red lipstick, classic cars, and tattoos.

I love him...

...k, gonna go cuddle him now.

Anniversary Numero Six

That's right folks. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and 2 days. We've known each other for 6 years and 3 months. No, I'm not kidding! We met some time around Easter in 2006, he proposed to me the weekend after his 21st birthday (June 21) and we were married just a few weeks later on July 8, 2006.

Why?!

...Well, when you know, you know...

In these last 6 years, we've lived in 4 different places, I worked at 3 places, started my own company, he worked in two places, we've had two beautiful children, and have never ever been happier!

This year we had a lovely anni. We woke up when our son came into our room, so we snuggled with both babies for a while. We exchanged presents (I got him an awesome watch from Diesel, he got me beautiful diamond stud earrings from Tiffany & Co.) I got up and made my family real french toast with scrambled eggs. It was a pretty big and kinda late breakfast, so we didn't really do lunch. We hung out at home for a while, played games, did some normal 'around the house' stuff... then later in the day, my hubby's parents watched the kidlets so we could go to dinner!

We went to McCormick & Schmick's - Irvine for our 5:00p dinner reservation.  We get there and pull into the valet area... the valet guy is just hanging out in his truck waiting for the restaurant to open. He gets out and runs over to us, totally not "ready." He hands the valet ticket to my husband and away we go to the restaurant! He goes to open the door for me and almost fell over while trying to pull it open. He says, "It's locked..?" "It's locked because they're not open..." I replied. Then we just started cracking up. It was funny, because they open at 5:00, which we didn't know. It was also funny, because we tend to do the normal thing and arrive a few minutes earlier than our reservation time.


The hostess and manager inside noticed us and didn't do anything. For about a minute. Then they let us in and showed us to our table. Now we were the only people IN the restaurant, other than the staff. Super awkward for me, because that's never happened to me before. But it was kind of cool because we had the whole place to ourselves, even though we stayed at our table.


Our waiter was nice, but quiet, spoke fast, and spoke with an Asian accent. Just had to double check what he said a few times, but nothing major. Everything was going well-- until we moved the silverware and table settings. Maybe it's because we were the only people in there. Or maybe he was just extremely anal retentive. Either way, it was really funny for us. We didn't notice it at first... then he kept doing it. Every. Single. Time. We moved a spoon, he'd put it back on the placemat. We used a fork, he'd take it away and put a new one down. We ordered food, he'd move the settings again. He did it the entire night, and it was hilarious. Towards the end of the dinner, my hubby just started moving things on purpose.


Hubby ordered wine, I ordered a seasonal sangria. Then mango iced tea. Then regular iced tea. We got a caprese flatbread appetizer. Hubby got a iceberg wedge salad with bacon, tomatoes, and bleu cheese dressing, with crumbled bleu cheese on top. I got a caesar salad. For dinner, hubby got alaskan halibut with crab on top over a mushroom risotto. I got parmesan crusted chicken with a caper butter sauce next to garlic linguine. For our sides, hubby ordered creamed spinach and lobster mashed potatoes. I got grilled shrimp scampi style, and a lobster tail. For dessert, hubby got a mixed berry florentine over vanilla bean ice cream, served in a dish made of caramel and assorted nuts. I got a vanilla bean creme brule topped with strawberries.

First thing, I ordered a sangria that looked way yummier than it tasted. So I got a mango iced tea-- the waiter said the bartender would make it with a mango syrup. NOPE. Made it with mango juice. It was delicious, but not at all what I was expecting, so I just went with iced tea after that.  Our caprese appetizer out as a pizza, but it's okay because it was way yummy. Our dinners were absolutely AMAZING. The lobster mashed potatoes were literally the best mashed potatoes I have ever had in my entire life. I almost don't want to eat any other mashed potatoes ever again. The lobster tail was cooked perfectly. The shrimp scampi? To die for. Our desserts were perfect. All in all, it was a fantastic anniversary dinner... we got the bill to prove it!


After dinner, we picked up our babies and enjoyed the rest of our night together.

...and to my wonderful husband,
Thank you. Thank you for being my everything, I love you with all of me! Happy anniversary, here's to a million more! (...if you can handle me for that long!)

6 wonderful years... can you tell?