The New Me

I want to start this by saying there will be some graphic descriptions of my miscarriage below.

Please use discretion while reading, and take this as a trigger warning for miscarriage.

Thank you.

Hi there! My name is Melody. I am happily married to the most wonderful man, and I have two adorable children, a boy and a girl. I have two dogs, and two cats. We own our home, and I am a stay-at-home-mommy for my babies. From the outside, my life is just perfect.

12 months ago, my world was rocked and my life changed forever.

On Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2014, at 2:30am, I woke up to labor pains. I could feel my uterus contract every few minutes. After already having two children, I knew what contractions felt like. I was laboring in my back as well. I figured the safest place for me to be was in the bathroom. I sat on the toilet. Watered down blood gushed out of me with every contraction. After about 30 minutes or so, I essentially gave birth. 

Everything I could get my hands on said that a fetus at that gestational age, if naturally miscarried, would come out in pieces, and would be unrecognizable to the eye. There wouldn't be "body parts" it would just look like thick uterine lining. I even looked up images to see if I could find anything to prepare myself for the inevitable. Nothing prepared me. Nothing.

My baby came out whole. I was able to pull it out of me. It was a baby. It was tiny. It was about an inch and a half long, and it fit in the palm of my hand. I worked hard to stand up and go to the sink. I carefully cleaned my baby off. In my heart of hearts, I knew it was a girl. I was able to put her hand on the tip of my pinky finger. I cried the quietest, biggest, wettest, hottest tears I've ever cried. My head was pounding, I was weak (yet still able to lean on the sink), and I couldn't fathom the why.

There likely was a medical reason for whatever happened... my hormone levels may have been off. My body was not fit to grow another life. The baby may not have attached properly. There could be any number of reasons as to why I had a miscarriage, but none of them help me feel better. I already had two very successful pregnancies, why not this one? Why?

After about 30 more minutes, I carefully put the baby on some toilet paper, gently wrapped her up, slid her in the water, and sadly, flushed the baby down the toilet.

It broke my heart. It changed me.

For the last 12 months, I've been struggling with seemingly insurmountable depression, while still needing to be the steady and constant mommy for my little ones. While still wanting to be the wife and friend I've always been. While still wishing I could be me, the me I knew, the me I always had been.

The me I always had been isn't the me I am now.

This is the new me.

The last 12 months have shaped my life, not for the better or worst. I'm still me, I'm just in a different place. I have had experiences that have changed my life. It's still my life, I still want it, and I love it.

Yes, I had a miscarriage. But I've also helped my husband rescue an adorable 7 week old kitten from our engine! My husband and I got to spend our anniversary in Beverly Hills! We took an incredible weekend trip to Palm Springs! We got to sit just a few feet away from Paul McCartney while he performed for the first time at the Dodgers Stadium in LA in 48 years. We saw the most amazing orchestral performance of Danny Elfman's Music from the Films of Tim Burton, which included Danny Elfman singing his songs from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Our son is going to be starting Kindergarten in just a few months, and my daughter was in an editorial photo shoot. We visited family in Michigan for the first time in our entire marriage! I've made so many new friends and have developed so many wonderful relationships. 

I can't dwell on the bad times, because there were so many incredible times.

The miscarriage was a terrible, horrible experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It put me in a club no one wants to be a part of. But I've done so many fantastic things with the people that I love...

Who knows what the next 12 months have in store for the new me?

End the Mommy Wars!

When you're pregnant for the very first time, you learn just how many opinionated people there are in your world. When you have that baby, even more opinions and advice gets hurled at you.

• You're too young to be pregnant!
• What are you going to do when you have the baby?
• I hope someone will be there to help you.
• You aren't going back to work, are you?
• You do know, breast is best.
• Don't use disposable diapers!
• There's no point in breastfeeding past 6 months.
• Food before 1 is just for fun!
• You have to let them cry it out so they learn their own coping mechanisms!
• Your baby is crying, you better feed it.
• You're a new mom, you have no idea what the future has in store for you!
• Get lots of sleep now, because you won't be sleeping when the baby gets here!

Those are just a few of the things people said to me while I was pregnant and right after I had my baby. What's better is, that didn't stop when I was pregnant with my second! And now I'm pregnant with my third, and I *still* get the questions, advice, and opinions.

The point of me writing this is not to say how much I hate this or how much I want it to stop, because that's not the case.

99% of the time, these things are said by well-meaning individuals who maybe thought it sounded different in their heads before they said it. Or maybe the things they comment on are things they've experienced. Or maybe their own mother or sister experienced those things. Or maybe they read it in an article somewhere and are passing it on to you, to be helpful.

No, the reason I am writing this is because I really, honestly want everyone to know that EVERY. PARENT. IS. DIFFERENT. Every child is different. Every experience is unique to the person experiencing it. Similarities are present, of course, but first and foremost, everyone is different.

What does that mean?

It means that my parenting style differs from that of my parents, and that of my sister. It means that I am different from the well-meaning grandmotherly-type woman who told me I needed help after my baby was born. It means I am different from the moms in the groups who chatter about "food before 1 is just for fun!"

I am different because I choose to research on my own. I make educated, informed decisions. My husband and I talk, constantly, about what we are doing and why we are doing it. We keep ourselves on the same page and are on our own team when it comes to raising our children. We are doing the absolute best we can to raise our children as we see fit.

My decisions might be similar to the decisions you make, or they might not be.

When my son was 5 months old, he started screaming whenever he was in the car. He started screaming when he saw the car, or saw me get his diaper bag. He started screaming when we said we were going bye-bye. He would scream in the car so much that his face would be red, he'd run out of breath, and lose his voice. He screamed so much that it made us both physically sick. He screamed so much that we avoided going anywhere.

One night, we were driving 10 minutes down the street to my parents' house. He was his usual self, screaming relentlessly... I had it. I was done with this. I stopped in a grocery store parking lot, got out of the car, took my son out of his carseat, handed him to my husband, and turned around the carseat, from rear facing to forward facing. It was everything I had ever promised myself I would never do. I cried while I was making the switch. I was afraid of what could happen. I was afraid of everything people would say to me.

When we put him back in the car seat after turning it around, it was a complete transformation. He was happy, he was laughing, he was looking at all the lights, and he could see us. He was so happy, he fell asleep. He didn't cry in the car ever again.

We made that switch right around 7-8 months. That means we handled the screaming for almost 3 months.

Why did I tell you that story?

Because it was in our best interest as a family to turn the car seat around. It went against what some people believe as right. I am NOT saying to turn your baby's car seat around right now. I am saying, do what's best for your child. Yes, there are great risks associated with turning a car seat to the forward facing position too soon, but I believe leaving it rear facing was far worse than the dangers associated with forward facing. I drove extra careful, did everything to create stability and safety, and did my best to be safe.

Do you have any idea how many opinions I heard after making that change?

If you guessed a lot, you'd be right. But something changed in me that day. I was doing something for my baby, not for anyone else. I became a new mother, a new woman, a new person. Everything I did for my baby was no concern of anyone else. And any opinion anyone ever gave me from that point on was taken with kindness, but with no more thought than what someone thought of this show or that song. "Everyone is different," I kept telling myself. "Their baby wasn't sitting in the back seat, screaming til they were blue in the face. They didn't have a 6 month old with no voice."


I recently came across an incredible photo series by Connecticut Working Moms, featuring Mom's of all different walks, who choose to raise their children as they see fit. It is called, "End The Mommy Wars" If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you click over and take a look.

Why is this so incredible?

Because they recognize that every mother is different. Some moms formula feed from the start, some moms extend nurse. Some moms cloth diaper, some moms use disposable. Some moms feed their children only organic foods, and some moms let their kids eat fast food. They aren't judging each other, they are acknowledging their differences, and supporting each other. Being a mom maybe isn't the easiest thing I've ever had to do, but judgement placed on me by other moms certainly doesn't make it any easier. We can be supportive of each other while we be the best mommies to our babies.

Hi, I'm Melody. My kids were turned around in their car seat around 8 months old. I extend-nurse. They love veggies and fruit and string cheese. They love chicken strips and hot dogs and cheeseburgers. They love watching Disney Junior. They love playing video games. They love going to Disneyland. I am a stay-at-home-mom. We don't go to church. We co-sleep. We talk, we fight, we love, we share emotions. We love our children, and our children love us. I get annoyed with my kids and lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes. They tell me they don't want to be my friend anymore because I won't let them have dessert if they don't eat their dinner. It doesn't bother me. I know I am doing my absolute best, and I know they are good kids.

That is who I am, that is how I parent, that is how I raise my kids.

 

The Joys of Having A Self-Potty-Training Two Year Old

Yes, you read the title right. Bug is potty training himself. Yay.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited that he's doing it and actually *wants* to do it. But, there are good and not-so-good things about him potty training himself. 

Good:

• +He goes potty when he needs to go.
• +He is always super proud of himself.
• +"I did it!" when he's all done.
• +He certainly looks cute in his super hero undies he got to pick out all by himself.

 Not-So-Good:

• -Oops.
• -Takes off his diaper when he feels like it, regardless of what is in it.
• -My hall bathroom has been taken over by potty-related stuff.
• -He's not the biggest fan of going #2 in the potty, yet.
• -He does silly little things, like get his head stuck in his training seat. (First I freaked out, then I realized I should probably take a quick pic or two. Then it took me about 5 minutes to get this off his head. As soon as I took it off, he gave me a huge hug and started laughing. Oh, Bug...)

Let's play a little game of I Spy... with a photo I took of my bathroom a few minutes ago.

I Spy...

• Batman undies
• Green Lantern undies
• Two diapers
• Training toilet
• Step-stool to wash hands
• Toy box
• Toy truck
• Open toilet
• Towel thrown on the ground

...Ladies and gentlemen, my bathroom.

Here's the thing, he's been self-potty-training since right before he turned two. He was at his grandma's house, and he decided to go. And go again. And again. I think in total, he went potty at her house 4 or 5 times in the few hours he was with her. All on his own, with no coaxing from her. He went #1 and #2 without a hitch. We were so excited, we got him pull-ups, we put a waterproof cover on his bed, pulled out his training toilet, and got him a training seat for regular toilets. It was awesome! Here was our little brand new 2 year old training himself to go potty with no push from Mom & Dad! He was doing so so well!

And then... Squidge was born. I knew a regression would happen when his little sister arrived, I just didn't think it would be so far back. He refused pull-ups, he wouldn't go potty at ALL anymore, and even asked us to put his training potty away. However, over the last 2-3 months, he's been starting up again, and over the last month, he's been doing REALLY well! There's still a huge fear of going #2. We had a tiny breakthrough the other day, but that was it. Hopefully we just keep moving forward and soon we won't have any more Buggy diapers to change!! It will be great to having only one baby in diapers.