End the Mommy Wars!

When you're pregnant for the very first time, you learn just how many opinionated people there are in your world. When you have that baby, even more opinions and advice gets hurled at you.

• You're too young to be pregnant!
• What are you going to do when you have the baby?
• I hope someone will be there to help you.
• You aren't going back to work, are you?
• You do know, breast is best.
• Don't use disposable diapers!
• There's no point in breastfeeding past 6 months.
• Food before 1 is just for fun!
• You have to let them cry it out so they learn their own coping mechanisms!
• Your baby is crying, you better feed it.
• You're a new mom, you have no idea what the future has in store for you!
• Get lots of sleep now, because you won't be sleeping when the baby gets here!

Those are just a few of the things people said to me while I was pregnant and right after I had my baby. What's better is, that didn't stop when I was pregnant with my second! And now I'm pregnant with my third, and I *still* get the questions, advice, and opinions.

The point of me writing this is not to say how much I hate this or how much I want it to stop, because that's not the case.

99% of the time, these things are said by well-meaning individuals who maybe thought it sounded different in their heads before they said it. Or maybe the things they comment on are things they've experienced. Or maybe their own mother or sister experienced those things. Or maybe they read it in an article somewhere and are passing it on to you, to be helpful.

No, the reason I am writing this is because I really, honestly want everyone to know that EVERY. PARENT. IS. DIFFERENT. Every child is different. Every experience is unique to the person experiencing it. Similarities are present, of course, but first and foremost, everyone is different.

What does that mean?

It means that my parenting style differs from that of my parents, and that of my sister. It means that I am different from the well-meaning grandmotherly-type woman who told me I needed help after my baby was born. It means I am different from the moms in the groups who chatter about "food before 1 is just for fun!"

I am different because I choose to research on my own. I make educated, informed decisions. My husband and I talk, constantly, about what we are doing and why we are doing it. We keep ourselves on the same page and are on our own team when it comes to raising our children. We are doing the absolute best we can to raise our children as we see fit.

My decisions might be similar to the decisions you make, or they might not be.

When my son was 5 months old, he started screaming whenever he was in the car. He started screaming when he saw the car, or saw me get his diaper bag. He started screaming when we said we were going bye-bye. He would scream in the car so much that his face would be red, he'd run out of breath, and lose his voice. He screamed so much that it made us both physically sick. He screamed so much that we avoided going anywhere.

One night, we were driving 10 minutes down the street to my parents' house. He was his usual self, screaming relentlessly... I had it. I was done with this. I stopped in a grocery store parking lot, got out of the car, took my son out of his carseat, handed him to my husband, and turned around the carseat, from rear facing to forward facing. It was everything I had ever promised myself I would never do. I cried while I was making the switch. I was afraid of what could happen. I was afraid of everything people would say to me.

When we put him back in the car seat after turning it around, it was a complete transformation. He was happy, he was laughing, he was looking at all the lights, and he could see us. He was so happy, he fell asleep. He didn't cry in the car ever again.

We made that switch right around 7-8 months. That means we handled the screaming for almost 3 months.

Why did I tell you that story?

Because it was in our best interest as a family to turn the car seat around. It went against what some people believe as right. I am NOT saying to turn your baby's car seat around right now. I am saying, do what's best for your child. Yes, there are great risks associated with turning a car seat to the forward facing position too soon, but I believe leaving it rear facing was far worse than the dangers associated with forward facing. I drove extra careful, did everything to create stability and safety, and did my best to be safe.

Do you have any idea how many opinions I heard after making that change?

If you guessed a lot, you'd be right. But something changed in me that day. I was doing something for my baby, not for anyone else. I became a new mother, a new woman, a new person. Everything I did for my baby was no concern of anyone else. And any opinion anyone ever gave me from that point on was taken with kindness, but with no more thought than what someone thought of this show or that song. "Everyone is different," I kept telling myself. "Their baby wasn't sitting in the back seat, screaming til they were blue in the face. They didn't have a 6 month old with no voice."


I recently came across an incredible photo series by Connecticut Working Moms, featuring Mom's of all different walks, who choose to raise their children as they see fit. It is called, "End The Mommy Wars" If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you click over and take a look.

Why is this so incredible?

Because they recognize that every mother is different. Some moms formula feed from the start, some moms extend nurse. Some moms cloth diaper, some moms use disposable. Some moms feed their children only organic foods, and some moms let their kids eat fast food. They aren't judging each other, they are acknowledging their differences, and supporting each other. Being a mom maybe isn't the easiest thing I've ever had to do, but judgement placed on me by other moms certainly doesn't make it any easier. We can be supportive of each other while we be the best mommies to our babies.

Hi, I'm Melody. My kids were turned around in their car seat around 8 months old. I extend-nurse. They love veggies and fruit and string cheese. They love chicken strips and hot dogs and cheeseburgers. They love watching Disney Junior. They love playing video games. They love going to Disneyland. I am a stay-at-home-mom. We don't go to church. We co-sleep. We talk, we fight, we love, we share emotions. We love our children, and our children love us. I get annoyed with my kids and lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes. They tell me they don't want to be my friend anymore because I won't let them have dessert if they don't eat their dinner. It doesn't bother me. I know I am doing my absolute best, and I know they are good kids.

That is who I am, that is how I parent, that is how I raise my kids.

 

How important is it to teach children about religion?

Yesterday, someone asked me a question about religion, and how it correlates with being a parent and raising children.

"How important is it to teach children about religion?"

Very important, but not yet.

I want my children to learn about religion; learn about ALL religions. I want to teach them about religion with an open mind. I don't believe in a God, and neither does my husband. We don't want to teach our children that there is some guy watching their every move, telling them they won't get into heaven if they mess up, or they have to pray to get what they want. There are so many different people in the world with so many different religious views. I want them to know they exist, and it's okay to be different. If they want to be religious, that is perfectly fine, but I will never tell them, "This is what we are, this is what you are, this is how it is, and this is the only way." Because that just isn't the case.

Kids are smart, but impressionable. Gullible. They're not ready to learn about any religion right now, because they will believe you.

They believe sensational stories. When people teach children about the bible, they tell them over-glorified fairy tales, then tell them the fairy tales are true. They build it up into the biggest and best thing, and then they grow up and build their lives around that. As an example, if I told my 3.5 year-old son that his Daddy is a secret superhero and goes out to fight bad guys every night, I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that he would absolutely believe every word I said. You don't need to lie to them about something that is going to affect the rest of their lives. It is entirely possible to be a good person, without being influenced by any form of religion, and that's why I refuse to teach them about religion until it can be discussed with an open mind.

Let me be clear, though. I have no problem with people raising their children with religion. I'm not here to change anyone's mind, or to tell them they are wrong. I won't tell my children not to play with your kids because you believe in God, and I certainly won't teach them that you're wrong because you believe in God. We just do not believe in any God, and raise our children accordingly.

Examples:

• I don't tell my children to pray to God to get what they want, I teach them they have to work for what they want.
• I don't tell my children to pray to God for the health of them or anyone they know, I teach them that there are doctors and scientists who will do their very best to make them or their loved ones feel better.
• I don't tell my children that God is watching them or watching out for them, I teach them that there are consequences for the things they do, whether that is immediate or further down the line, good or bad.
• I don't tell them they won't get into heaven when they die because they committed a sin they didn't know was a sin, I teach them to learn right from wrong, and to apologize for what they did. I teach them to learn from their mistakes.
• I don't tell them to thank God for all they have, I teach them that their Daddy works very, very hard to earn money to get us everything we have.
• I don't tell them that God is the only way and anyone who doesn't believe in God is wrong, I teach them that everyone is different and everyone believes in different things, and that being different is good.
• I don't tell them God loves them more than me or their father, I teach them and show them that we love them more than anything, and we want the absolute best for them.

I am a good mother, I care for my children immensely, and I do my absolutely best to do right by them.

I don't believe that telling them about God is beneficial to their well-being, and I don't think I'd be doing right by them if I told them there was a God.

I don't believe in God, your God, or any God.

I believe in communication, kindness, love, and honesty. If you disagree with me, that's fine!! But do not try to convince me or condemn me for what I believe or don't believe in.


I would love to hear from you! Please let me know what you think in the comments, but please, keep it civil!

Twitter: @itslikemusic

What A Stressful Day... (Has Taught Me)

I'm sitting here in front of the computer in a Melatonin-induced calm after vocally exploding for the (exaggerated) 100th time today. My 3-year-old told me no, again, whined and cried "for no reason," and my 1-year-old bit me while I was nursing her to sleep, after she tried to practically scalp me. After a day like the day I just had, these were the last straws. I freaked out. I cried. I lost my proverbial shit. I was done. Done with the Mommy-job, done with the kids, done with the day. Really, done with the last two weeks. I stormed out in a hot mess of angry tears, and ended up here. And here I go...

Who knew a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old could cause so much stress and frustration to a relatively patient and calm, 27-year-old woman? My babies, my hearts, my all and my everything... they're the source of my inevitable destruction.

I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a perfect mom, and I don't even think I'm a great mom... but I'm a good mom. My kids are taken care of. They are loved. They KNOW they are loved, and they love me. We smile, we laugh, we have tickle fights. We go to Disneyland pretty regularly. We really do have a good time together. I get to stay home with my babies, and I get to teach them and watch them grow every single day. Every single day they amaze me with something new. Even today, one of the worst days I've had in a while, I watched my 3-year-old play a game on my husband's phone that I'm pretty sure I couldn't figure out (and I'm pretty good with video games!). I saw my 1-year-old make up a new little dance sequence. They're adorable, and they're killing me.

I don't know where I went "wrong" in all this. Not a friggin' clue. Back when I said I'm a good mom, I meant it. That means I tell them "no" and I exercise patience, as well as teach it to them. There is discipline in this family. I'm not afraid of them hating me for 5 seconds when I tell them they can't have this or that. I love them and they are really good kids, but somewhere in the last, oh, I don't know... month or so? Somewhere they found a loophole and, together, have figured out how to walk all over me.

I don't want to have an explosive personality. I don't want to yell or scream. I don't want them to expect that from me. I don't want that at all. So how do I keep it from happening?

You know when you're out in a restaurant and that one kid just goes ballistic? Just completely inconsolable, and their parents are sitting there mortified, either paralyzed from embarrassment or doing everything they can to calm their kid down before inevitably making the rounds outside, leaving the other parent to sit there looking around, going, "I swear my kid has never done this before! S/he's usually so great, I have no idea what's going on!" While every other patron is sitting there thinking, "yeah, RIGHT." I totally get that. I completely, 100% understand that. I am that mom now. Me and my husband, we're those parents. That kid, those are my babies. It's literally like a switch just flipped, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to switch it back.

Since I'm with my babies 24/7, I've figured out a sequence in their learning. First, they learn to eat and then they learn very basic communication (waaaaahhh!). Then they learn that different sounds mean different things. Sounds get more complex. They learn to control their arms and legs and head, and they learn to get around. Wiggle, crawl, stand, walk, run... They push themselves past their boundaries to the next milestone. We, as parents, cheer them on, encourage them, teach them, and keep them moving forward. They hurl themselves to the next boundary, the next milestone... "Mama, Dada, Hi, ByeBye!" and we're there throwing mini parties. Then they locate their independence... "No, don't touch that." "No, put that back." "No, come over here." "No, don't do that." "Here, take this." "Look at this!" Distractions. Tell them no. Play keep away. They want to get to the next boundary and push past it. They don't understand limits. There are no limits. It is literally their job, their only job, to find their boundaries, push their boundaries, and discover their limits. And it is our job, as parents, to put those boundaries in place and be there to enforce the limits. It is our job to tell them no and point them, coach them, in the right direction. My kids might only be 1 and 3, but I *know* that this sequence and these jobs will really never stop. Ever. You don't ever stop being a parent. I'm a married, 27-year-old mother of two, homeowner, and I still get coached in the right direction by my parents. (Mom, Dad, I appreciate the hell out of you guys. Thank you for always being there for me.)

Here's the thing, I want my kids to WANT to do the right thing. I don't want to have to sit here going, no, no, no, No, NO, NO! That sucks. I just want them to know not to do whatever it is they are thinking of doing. How do I make that happen? I have to enforce rules and boundaries. I have to teach them. I have to coach them.

Everyone needs a reminder now and then. Even I need reminders... They don't know what I know. I can't expect them to know what I know. But I can teach them what I know, and I can be there when they don't listen. I will be there when they experience the things I know. I know what it's like to be told no. I know what it's like to get burnt by the stove. I know what it's like to taste cocoa powder (I really wish I listened to my mom when she told me not to taste it...). 

So, this stressful day of stress and frustration and stress and STRESS has actually been beneficial to my career choice, and I guess somewhat therapeutic for me. I need to remember that my babies are just that... my babies. I love them more than anything I have ever loved in my entire life. There are no words to describe the love I have for them. I want the best for them, and right now, I am the best for them. I need to keep being the best for them, so I need to be the best me I can be. I need to remember that they are little. They are learning. They are learning more now than they'll ever learn in the future. They can push my buttons and they can (try!) to walk all over me, so I have to get ready. And anyways, who am I trying to kid? If I can't handle them now, what the hell am I going to do when they're teenagers?! 

Babies, Mommy is back. With patience, kindness, and unwavering love.

Mommy is here. 

I'm ready.

A Couple Lovies

These are my babies... Bug and Squidge. I love them to the moon and back.

I can't handle the cute...

Bug is 2 years old. He is hilarious, he loves his baby sister, and is also the sweetest child I've ever met. He has such an amazing heart and cares so much. He loves to play, dance, and sing. He's a rock star. ...and Bug is a mama's boy.

Squidge is 2 months old. She is my princess. She adores her big brother. She sleeps a lot, and smiles even more. She doesn't do much on the entertainment scale, because she doesn't know how to work those pesky hands. Squidge is definitely already a daddy's girl.

1. I am 100% biased.
2. My babies are perfect and are the cutest children on the entire face of the planet.

I will more than likely be talking about them a LOT on this blog, because Bug makes me legitimately laugh multiple times a day, and Squidge is growing non-stop.

Squidge

Bug