How important is it to teach children about religion?

Yesterday, someone asked me a question about religion, and how it correlates with being a parent and raising children.

"How important is it to teach children about religion?"

Very important, but not yet.

I want my children to learn about religion; learn about ALL religions. I want to teach them about religion with an open mind. I don't believe in a God, and neither does my husband. We don't want to teach our children that there is some guy watching their every move, telling them they won't get into heaven if they mess up, or they have to pray to get what they want. There are so many different people in the world with so many different religious views. I want them to know they exist, and it's okay to be different. If they want to be religious, that is perfectly fine, but I will never tell them, "This is what we are, this is what you are, this is how it is, and this is the only way." Because that just isn't the case.

Kids are smart, but impressionable. Gullible. They're not ready to learn about any religion right now, because they will believe you.

They believe sensational stories. When people teach children about the bible, they tell them over-glorified fairy tales, then tell them the fairy tales are true. They build it up into the biggest and best thing, and then they grow up and build their lives around that. As an example, if I told my 3.5 year-old son that his Daddy is a secret superhero and goes out to fight bad guys every night, I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that he would absolutely believe every word I said. You don't need to lie to them about something that is going to affect the rest of their lives. It is entirely possible to be a good person, without being influenced by any form of religion, and that's why I refuse to teach them about religion until it can be discussed with an open mind.

Let me be clear, though. I have no problem with people raising their children with religion. I'm not here to change anyone's mind, or to tell them they are wrong. I won't tell my children not to play with your kids because you believe in God, and I certainly won't teach them that you're wrong because you believe in God. We just do not believe in any God, and raise our children accordingly.

Examples:

• I don't tell my children to pray to God to get what they want, I teach them they have to work for what they want.
• I don't tell my children to pray to God for the health of them or anyone they know, I teach them that there are doctors and scientists who will do their very best to make them or their loved ones feel better.
• I don't tell my children that God is watching them or watching out for them, I teach them that there are consequences for the things they do, whether that is immediate or further down the line, good or bad.
• I don't tell them they won't get into heaven when they die because they committed a sin they didn't know was a sin, I teach them to learn right from wrong, and to apologize for what they did. I teach them to learn from their mistakes.
• I don't tell them to thank God for all they have, I teach them that their Daddy works very, very hard to earn money to get us everything we have.
• I don't tell them that God is the only way and anyone who doesn't believe in God is wrong, I teach them that everyone is different and everyone believes in different things, and that being different is good.
• I don't tell them God loves them more than me or their father, I teach them and show them that we love them more than anything, and we want the absolute best for them.

I am a good mother, I care for my children immensely, and I do my absolutely best to do right by them.

I don't believe that telling them about God is beneficial to their well-being, and I don't think I'd be doing right by them if I told them there was a God.

I don't believe in God, your God, or any God.

I believe in communication, kindness, love, and honesty. If you disagree with me, that's fine!! But do not try to convince me or condemn me for what I believe or don't believe in.


I would love to hear from you! Please let me know what you think in the comments, but please, keep it civil!

Twitter: @itslikemusic

The "Good Job!" Jar

Last Thursday was a 'last-straw' day. My sweet, adorable, caring, and kind three-year-old son had turned into a little monster.

As most three-year-old's do, he really loves his independence. Especially since he knows his little sister can't do half the things he can. He understands video games, knows how to turn Netflix on, he can navigate through the XBOX 360 dashboard with ease, he can go to the fridge to get his snacks, he gets dressed all by himself, and has his own thoughts and opinions. He's still testing his boundaries, of course, and is pushing them as far as they will go... which we found out on Thursday, was saying NO! for the thousandth time.

I had seen a few ideas on Pinterest to help guide a child's behavior. Honestly, I was thinking about making a behavior chart for quite a while, but I just didn't have the time. And after thinking about it, what good would a chart do if he couldn't read it yet? Then I remembered another pin I saw... a jar with cotton balls.

This jar idea seemed like the perfect alternative to a behavior chart, without the necessity to read it.

I went to Target, and bought a $1.50 mason jar, a bag of cotton balls for $1.19, and some scrapbooking stickers for $1 each (I got two packs). I used a sharpie I already had at home. When I got home, I wrote on the jar using the sharpie, then I decorated it with the stickers.

Some people were creating a fill-line as a goal... but cotton balls are a good size when you put them in a regular mason jar. I decided to just go straight for the top as the fill-line.

How it works for us:

For every acceptable* thing he does, he gets to put a cotton ball in the jar. For every unacceptable* thing he does, he gets to take a cotton ball out of the jar. When the jar is full, he gets to do an activity of his choice. He doesn't get a toy or money or anything like that for filling the jar. Thursday morning, his ability to play video games was taken away. He decided that his reward for filling up the jar would be an hour of video game play time. 

(Before you jump on my case for a three-year-old playing video games... he loves his Lego video games, he is great at them, and we still do a LOT of different activities throughout the day. This happens to be his favorite, so that's what I "took away" when he demonstrated the unacceptable behavior.)

At the beginning, I was acknowledging EVERY example of acceptable* behavior with a cotton ball in the jar, and every example of unacceptable* behavior with a cotton ball removed. This way, he learns what is acceptable* and what is not in a way in which he can control it. He is making the decisions himself and is learning what works. Also, by acknowledging every acceptable* behavior, and filling up the jar faster, he can see that his goal is attainable. Eventually, as time goes on, I will start acknowledging extraordinary and exemplary behavior instead of just everything acceptable*.

We started this jar on Thursday afternoon, and Saturday around noon, he got his hour of video game play. Today, he got one more hour.

He already is knowing when he does well and when he doesn't, and is more aware of how his decisions affect him, and us! He doesn't emotionally explode like he used to, and he is a lot quicker to recognize and remedy his poor behavior.

I can't say this is the easiest thing to maintain, because after 3 days, even though he's done well, we still have hiccups. But we are going to "stick to it!" It was, however, very inexpensive, and soooo worth the little peace it's already brought!

I definitely recommend trying this out with your toddler.

If you do, please let me know by commenting below! I'd love to see how your little one's jar turned out, and how it worked for you and your family! You can also post a picture of it on Pinterest, Instagram or Twitter, all with: @itslikemusic & #goodjobjar!

*I use "acceptable/unacceptable" because it is a relative term. What may be considered acceptable to me might be considered unacceptable to others. You decide what is acceptable/unacceptable for your family, just as I do with mine. :)

What A Stressful Day... (Has Taught Me)

I'm sitting here in front of the computer in a Melatonin-induced calm after vocally exploding for the (exaggerated) 100th time today. My 3-year-old told me no, again, whined and cried "for no reason," and my 1-year-old bit me while I was nursing her to sleep, after she tried to practically scalp me. After a day like the day I just had, these were the last straws. I freaked out. I cried. I lost my proverbial shit. I was done. Done with the Mommy-job, done with the kids, done with the day. Really, done with the last two weeks. I stormed out in a hot mess of angry tears, and ended up here. And here I go...

Who knew a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old could cause so much stress and frustration to a relatively patient and calm, 27-year-old woman? My babies, my hearts, my all and my everything... they're the source of my inevitable destruction.

I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a perfect mom, and I don't even think I'm a great mom... but I'm a good mom. My kids are taken care of. They are loved. They KNOW they are loved, and they love me. We smile, we laugh, we have tickle fights. We go to Disneyland pretty regularly. We really do have a good time together. I get to stay home with my babies, and I get to teach them and watch them grow every single day. Every single day they amaze me with something new. Even today, one of the worst days I've had in a while, I watched my 3-year-old play a game on my husband's phone that I'm pretty sure I couldn't figure out (and I'm pretty good with video games!). I saw my 1-year-old make up a new little dance sequence. They're adorable, and they're killing me.

I don't know where I went "wrong" in all this. Not a friggin' clue. Back when I said I'm a good mom, I meant it. That means I tell them "no" and I exercise patience, as well as teach it to them. There is discipline in this family. I'm not afraid of them hating me for 5 seconds when I tell them they can't have this or that. I love them and they are really good kids, but somewhere in the last, oh, I don't know... month or so? Somewhere they found a loophole and, together, have figured out how to walk all over me.

I don't want to have an explosive personality. I don't want to yell or scream. I don't want them to expect that from me. I don't want that at all. So how do I keep it from happening?

You know when you're out in a restaurant and that one kid just goes ballistic? Just completely inconsolable, and their parents are sitting there mortified, either paralyzed from embarrassment or doing everything they can to calm their kid down before inevitably making the rounds outside, leaving the other parent to sit there looking around, going, "I swear my kid has never done this before! S/he's usually so great, I have no idea what's going on!" While every other patron is sitting there thinking, "yeah, RIGHT." I totally get that. I completely, 100% understand that. I am that mom now. Me and my husband, we're those parents. That kid, those are my babies. It's literally like a switch just flipped, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to switch it back.

Since I'm with my babies 24/7, I've figured out a sequence in their learning. First, they learn to eat and then they learn very basic communication (waaaaahhh!). Then they learn that different sounds mean different things. Sounds get more complex. They learn to control their arms and legs and head, and they learn to get around. Wiggle, crawl, stand, walk, run... They push themselves past their boundaries to the next milestone. We, as parents, cheer them on, encourage them, teach them, and keep them moving forward. They hurl themselves to the next boundary, the next milestone... "Mama, Dada, Hi, ByeBye!" and we're there throwing mini parties. Then they locate their independence... "No, don't touch that." "No, put that back." "No, come over here." "No, don't do that." "Here, take this." "Look at this!" Distractions. Tell them no. Play keep away. They want to get to the next boundary and push past it. They don't understand limits. There are no limits. It is literally their job, their only job, to find their boundaries, push their boundaries, and discover their limits. And it is our job, as parents, to put those boundaries in place and be there to enforce the limits. It is our job to tell them no and point them, coach them, in the right direction. My kids might only be 1 and 3, but I *know* that this sequence and these jobs will really never stop. Ever. You don't ever stop being a parent. I'm a married, 27-year-old mother of two, homeowner, and I still get coached in the right direction by my parents. (Mom, Dad, I appreciate the hell out of you guys. Thank you for always being there for me.)

Here's the thing, I want my kids to WANT to do the right thing. I don't want to have to sit here going, no, no, no, No, NO, NO! That sucks. I just want them to know not to do whatever it is they are thinking of doing. How do I make that happen? I have to enforce rules and boundaries. I have to teach them. I have to coach them.

Everyone needs a reminder now and then. Even I need reminders... They don't know what I know. I can't expect them to know what I know. But I can teach them what I know, and I can be there when they don't listen. I will be there when they experience the things I know. I know what it's like to be told no. I know what it's like to get burnt by the stove. I know what it's like to taste cocoa powder (I really wish I listened to my mom when she told me not to taste it...). 

So, this stressful day of stress and frustration and stress and STRESS has actually been beneficial to my career choice, and I guess somewhat therapeutic for me. I need to remember that my babies are just that... my babies. I love them more than anything I have ever loved in my entire life. There are no words to describe the love I have for them. I want the best for them, and right now, I am the best for them. I need to keep being the best for them, so I need to be the best me I can be. I need to remember that they are little. They are learning. They are learning more now than they'll ever learn in the future. They can push my buttons and they can (try!) to walk all over me, so I have to get ready. And anyways, who am I trying to kid? If I can't handle them now, what the hell am I going to do when they're teenagers?! 

Babies, Mommy is back. With patience, kindness, and unwavering love.

Mommy is here. 

I'm ready.