End the Mommy Wars!

When you're pregnant for the very first time, you learn just how many opinionated people there are in your world. When you have that baby, even more opinions and advice gets hurled at you.

• You're too young to be pregnant!
• What are you going to do when you have the baby?
• I hope someone will be there to help you.
• You aren't going back to work, are you?
• You do know, breast is best.
• Don't use disposable diapers!
• There's no point in breastfeeding past 6 months.
• Food before 1 is just for fun!
• You have to let them cry it out so they learn their own coping mechanisms!
• Your baby is crying, you better feed it.
• You're a new mom, you have no idea what the future has in store for you!
• Get lots of sleep now, because you won't be sleeping when the baby gets here!

Those are just a few of the things people said to me while I was pregnant and right after I had my baby. What's better is, that didn't stop when I was pregnant with my second! And now I'm pregnant with my third, and I *still* get the questions, advice, and opinions.

The point of me writing this is not to say how much I hate this or how much I want it to stop, because that's not the case.

99% of the time, these things are said by well-meaning individuals who maybe thought it sounded different in their heads before they said it. Or maybe the things they comment on are things they've experienced. Or maybe their own mother or sister experienced those things. Or maybe they read it in an article somewhere and are passing it on to you, to be helpful.

No, the reason I am writing this is because I really, honestly want everyone to know that EVERY. PARENT. IS. DIFFERENT. Every child is different. Every experience is unique to the person experiencing it. Similarities are present, of course, but first and foremost, everyone is different.

What does that mean?

It means that my parenting style differs from that of my parents, and that of my sister. It means that I am different from the well-meaning grandmotherly-type woman who told me I needed help after my baby was born. It means I am different from the moms in the groups who chatter about "food before 1 is just for fun!"

I am different because I choose to research on my own. I make educated, informed decisions. My husband and I talk, constantly, about what we are doing and why we are doing it. We keep ourselves on the same page and are on our own team when it comes to raising our children. We are doing the absolute best we can to raise our children as we see fit.

My decisions might be similar to the decisions you make, or they might not be.

When my son was 5 months old, he started screaming whenever he was in the car. He started screaming when he saw the car, or saw me get his diaper bag. He started screaming when we said we were going bye-bye. He would scream in the car so much that his face would be red, he'd run out of breath, and lose his voice. He screamed so much that it made us both physically sick. He screamed so much that we avoided going anywhere.

One night, we were driving 10 minutes down the street to my parents' house. He was his usual self, screaming relentlessly... I had it. I was done with this. I stopped in a grocery store parking lot, got out of the car, took my son out of his carseat, handed him to my husband, and turned around the carseat, from rear facing to forward facing. It was everything I had ever promised myself I would never do. I cried while I was making the switch. I was afraid of what could happen. I was afraid of everything people would say to me.

When we put him back in the car seat after turning it around, it was a complete transformation. He was happy, he was laughing, he was looking at all the lights, and he could see us. He was so happy, he fell asleep. He didn't cry in the car ever again.

We made that switch right around 7-8 months. That means we handled the screaming for almost 3 months.

Why did I tell you that story?

Because it was in our best interest as a family to turn the car seat around. It went against what some people believe as right. I am NOT saying to turn your baby's car seat around right now. I am saying, do what's best for your child. Yes, there are great risks associated with turning a car seat to the forward facing position too soon, but I believe leaving it rear facing was far worse than the dangers associated with forward facing. I drove extra careful, did everything to create stability and safety, and did my best to be safe.

Do you have any idea how many opinions I heard after making that change?

If you guessed a lot, you'd be right. But something changed in me that day. I was doing something for my baby, not for anyone else. I became a new mother, a new woman, a new person. Everything I did for my baby was no concern of anyone else. And any opinion anyone ever gave me from that point on was taken with kindness, but with no more thought than what someone thought of this show or that song. "Everyone is different," I kept telling myself. "Their baby wasn't sitting in the back seat, screaming til they were blue in the face. They didn't have a 6 month old with no voice."


I recently came across an incredible photo series by Connecticut Working Moms, featuring Mom's of all different walks, who choose to raise their children as they see fit. It is called, "End The Mommy Wars" If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you click over and take a look.

Why is this so incredible?

Because they recognize that every mother is different. Some moms formula feed from the start, some moms extend nurse. Some moms cloth diaper, some moms use disposable. Some moms feed their children only organic foods, and some moms let their kids eat fast food. They aren't judging each other, they are acknowledging their differences, and supporting each other. Being a mom maybe isn't the easiest thing I've ever had to do, but judgement placed on me by other moms certainly doesn't make it any easier. We can be supportive of each other while we be the best mommies to our babies.

Hi, I'm Melody. My kids were turned around in their car seat around 8 months old. I extend-nurse. They love veggies and fruit and string cheese. They love chicken strips and hot dogs and cheeseburgers. They love watching Disney Junior. They love playing video games. They love going to Disneyland. I am a stay-at-home-mom. We don't go to church. We co-sleep. We talk, we fight, we love, we share emotions. We love our children, and our children love us. I get annoyed with my kids and lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes. They tell me they don't want to be my friend anymore because I won't let them have dessert if they don't eat their dinner. It doesn't bother me. I know I am doing my absolute best, and I know they are good kids.

That is who I am, that is how I parent, that is how I raise my kids.

 

Parking Lot Rage

Is there anything as dumb as Parking Lot Rage? I mean, we all have experienced, or have come in contact with someone experiencing Road Rage, but Parking Lot Rage? How is this even a thing?

I get my kids in the car and drive to the US Post Office a couple miles away from my house. I needed to mail a few photo CDs out to my clients. I get in the parking lot, it's full. (little did I know I'd be waiting for almost an hour inside! oh well!)

I see a lady get in her car near the front door of the post office, and naturally assume she's leaving. It was the first available spot, so I drove up to wait for it.

I knew it was near the exit, but it was the first spot, so I went for it. I put on my blinker and waited for a full 60 second count... she never even turned her car on, just sat there (annoying, much?!). As it turned out, there was another person leaving, two spots down from this one, so I had to back up maybe 2 feet. There was a guy in a very large truck behind me, waiting to leave.

Now, I understand wanting to leave, but if I have to back up to get out of your way, you might want to back up just a smidge to let me get by, right? Well not this guy!!

I put my car in reverse, and wait a second so he can see my reverse lights. I see him. I see him see the lights. I see him look at me, and stare at me blankly. We made eye contact, and he shrugged. Didn't move his truck an inch. So I just verbally say, "THANK YOU." and back up, best I can, so I can get out of his way. I came within inches of his truck, and he didn't care, didn't move.

When I get to where I need to be to park, my passenger window is even with the front driver's side of his truck. I said, "Sorry, THANK YOU." one more time, and he gave me the meanest look and flipped me off. He looked at my kids in the back seat, buckled safely in their car seats, and flipped me off even stronger, waving it around.

I found the image at DavisBodyShop.com via google image search.

His window was already down, so I rolled mine down and said, "Really? Flip me off in front of my kids, while I'm trying my best to move out of your way. THANK YOU!!!"

He responded with, "There is a whole fucking parking lot back there! Get the FUCK out of my WAY!" (There isn't. It's completely full.)

I was shocked, and said, "Woah, please don't talk like that--" at which point he cuts me off and starts blaring his horn at me while flipping me off, still.

It shocks me, it startled my children, and they both started sobbing in the back seat. Keep in mind, my window is still open, I'm in a tiny little Nissan Sentra, and he is in an enormous TRUCK. That horn is loud and scary, especially when it's less than 3 feet away from you!

As that happened, I said, "OK, I'M CALLING THE COPS!" and pulled out my cell phone. I enunciated it very clearly so he could read my lips, since I'm sure he couldn't hear me over the blare of his horn.

When I said that, he took off, still blaring his horn and giving me the bird. My one-year-old daughter had passed out from being scared and sobbing so hard. I parked in the spot, and just told my three-year-old son, "Everything is ok, that man was very mean. He's gone now, don't worry." He calmed down.

I could see people in the parking lot, laughing and pointing, telling other's about what had just happened. Pointing at me, making what appeared to be off-color remarks. What bothers me is that no one said or did anything to help. There were people watching this unfold.

Hey everyone, guess what? You can stick up for others. If you see something bad happening, do something about it! That was your PSA for the day.

It took me a good 10 minutes to gather myself. I was so shaken and rattled from what had just happened, but I was trying to hold it together for the kids. I really didn't want to break down in front of them, after I just told them it would be ok.

My son asked me if I was ready to go into the Post Office. I said, "No buddy, not yet. That guy was really mean, and I'm still a little sad about it. I just need to calm down a little more."

That's when my son said the sweetest, kindest, most caring and adorable thing he's ever said to me.

"It's ok, Mommy. That guy was really mean, but you're not mean. You just have to breathe. I will count to 5, ok? You take a big breath every time I say a number. Are you ready?" Then he started counting: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... I took a breath after each number, just like he said to. Then he said, "Do you feel better now? Are we ready to go in to the post office?"

My little man... he gave me the strength and courage I needed to pull myself together. It's times like that... he reminded me that my husband and I are really doing a good job raising these babies!!

When we left the post office, he asked if that mean man was going to honk at us again. :( I told him no, and said he was all gone and far away now.

I just can't believe people can be that way to other people! To a mother in front of her children?! Why? And the saddest thing about all of this? This isn't even the first time it's happened. *sigh* Let's be good to each other! Life is too short, people!


Have you ever experienced parking lot rage? Tell me about it in the comments below! Or tweet about it, @itslikemusic, #ParkingLotRage.

The "Good Job!" Jar

Last Thursday was a 'last-straw' day. My sweet, adorable, caring, and kind three-year-old son had turned into a little monster.

As most three-year-old's do, he really loves his independence. Especially since he knows his little sister can't do half the things he can. He understands video games, knows how to turn Netflix on, he can navigate through the XBOX 360 dashboard with ease, he can go to the fridge to get his snacks, he gets dressed all by himself, and has his own thoughts and opinions. He's still testing his boundaries, of course, and is pushing them as far as they will go... which we found out on Thursday, was saying NO! for the thousandth time.

I had seen a few ideas on Pinterest to help guide a child's behavior. Honestly, I was thinking about making a behavior chart for quite a while, but I just didn't have the time. And after thinking about it, what good would a chart do if he couldn't read it yet? Then I remembered another pin I saw... a jar with cotton balls.

This jar idea seemed like the perfect alternative to a behavior chart, without the necessity to read it.

I went to Target, and bought a $1.50 mason jar, a bag of cotton balls for $1.19, and some scrapbooking stickers for $1 each (I got two packs). I used a sharpie I already had at home. When I got home, I wrote on the jar using the sharpie, then I decorated it with the stickers.

Some people were creating a fill-line as a goal... but cotton balls are a good size when you put them in a regular mason jar. I decided to just go straight for the top as the fill-line.

How it works for us:

For every acceptable* thing he does, he gets to put a cotton ball in the jar. For every unacceptable* thing he does, he gets to take a cotton ball out of the jar. When the jar is full, he gets to do an activity of his choice. He doesn't get a toy or money or anything like that for filling the jar. Thursday morning, his ability to play video games was taken away. He decided that his reward for filling up the jar would be an hour of video game play time. 

(Before you jump on my case for a three-year-old playing video games... he loves his Lego video games, he is great at them, and we still do a LOT of different activities throughout the day. This happens to be his favorite, so that's what I "took away" when he demonstrated the unacceptable behavior.)

At the beginning, I was acknowledging EVERY example of acceptable* behavior with a cotton ball in the jar, and every example of unacceptable* behavior with a cotton ball removed. This way, he learns what is acceptable* and what is not in a way in which he can control it. He is making the decisions himself and is learning what works. Also, by acknowledging every acceptable* behavior, and filling up the jar faster, he can see that his goal is attainable. Eventually, as time goes on, I will start acknowledging extraordinary and exemplary behavior instead of just everything acceptable*.

We started this jar on Thursday afternoon, and Saturday around noon, he got his hour of video game play. Today, he got one more hour.

He already is knowing when he does well and when he doesn't, and is more aware of how his decisions affect him, and us! He doesn't emotionally explode like he used to, and he is a lot quicker to recognize and remedy his poor behavior.

I can't say this is the easiest thing to maintain, because after 3 days, even though he's done well, we still have hiccups. But we are going to "stick to it!" It was, however, very inexpensive, and soooo worth the little peace it's already brought!

I definitely recommend trying this out with your toddler.

If you do, please let me know by commenting below! I'd love to see how your little one's jar turned out, and how it worked for you and your family! You can also post a picture of it on Pinterest, Instagram or Twitter, all with: @itslikemusic & #goodjobjar!

*I use "acceptable/unacceptable" because it is a relative term. What may be considered acceptable to me might be considered unacceptable to others. You decide what is acceptable/unacceptable for your family, just as I do with mine. :)